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Friday, June 8, 2012
100K "Likes" Giveaway!!
Who doesn't like free shit? (not literally of course) All you have to do is go and "like" some of the most awesome pages on Facebook to be entered into the drawing.
a Rafflecopter giveaway!
a Rafflecopter giveaway!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Maybe He's Just Playing You (Guest blog by PaRANThood)
Listen up, I'm a pretty happy bitch. What I'm saying is, there's not a lot of shit that can bring me down.
My "Boo-Hoo List" is a short one, because frankly, if it's not a broken vibrator or an empty booze bottle, I could give a FUCK… Really.
There is one thing though, that twists my britches. Actually, fuck that, it makes me want to pull my hair back into a pony tail, flip the razor from my inside cheek to my front teeth and slice a hoe in the face…figuratively speaking, of course.
What could make me figuratively want to slash someone?
Well, If you know me, you know that I'm a proud friend, and a loyal friend. I stand up for my homegirls, and show them respect, but if you do the dummy move, be prepared to Sit on the Shit List.
Your status can go from 'My Main Bitch' to 'That Dumb Bitch' with a bat of the lash, the second you:
Play Yourself For A Dude Who's Playing YOU.
Yeah, I heard somebody wrote a book about this very problem but apparently the marketing asshole in charge 'Just Wasn't That In To It' because all I see lately is a bunch of lovely ladies who spread their legs for losers that lie to 'em….. talking' bout "Girl I looove youuuu" as they leave the house texting somebody else.
That was some serious alliteration in the house.
I'm not gonna sit here blaming it all on men, calling them a bunch of shiesty-ass motherfuckers, because really, it takes TWO to horizontal tango. Besides, holding dudes 100% responsible would be as useless as kicking your dog because he shit on the floor yesterday. He's already forgotten about that shit, and has NO IDEA why you're so pissed off.
He did what worked for him at the moment and that's that.
You can't blame a floor lamp for just "standing around" anymore then you can blame a man for using his dick like a pussy divining rod. It's huMAN nature…. Shit, if Michael Jackson were here he'd tell you that... ....and if Whitney were here, why, she'd be smoking crack…
Enough digressing, it's time to expound.
We love men for being MEN. Don't we ladies?
We love them for being strong in lots of ways despite their dense emotional senses.
We love their man voices.
We love their man muscles.
We love their man hands.
We love their man eyebrows.
We love their man
PENISES.
In fact, we love these things so much, that many women are willing to make up a bunch of ridiculous fucking excuses as to WHY some of them treat us like shit.
My response?
CUT THAT SHIT OUT.
"Oh, he must not be calling me this week because he was just getting a pimple on his nose the last time I saw him and he's probably too self conscious to arrange a date…."
No bitch…. that was you.
"I'm pretty sure he said his sister had a middle name… that must be it on his phone caller ID…."
No bitch…. there's no such middle name as "Big Titties".
"It's okay, I'll have another birthday next year, I'm sure he won't forget it twice…"
Listen bitch, he just wished his dog a "Happy Birthday!" on Facebook yesterday…
Here, here, ladies!!
When a man wants you, you suddenly become a lion tamer beating his ass back with a bamboo chair.
Your phone is blowing up more then Uncly Jimmy in the John after a fucking beans and wieners BBQ.
The dude will buy you flowers AND a box of Super-Plus tampons with a shit eating grin on his face.
He will hold your purse at a football game.
Catch my driggity drift?
So like I said before, since men are so much more primal than women, it's not hard to figure out when they're interested in mating.. err, I mean YOU.... and when they're NOT.
I told you I'm a good friend right? And because that's true, I will nicely try and break it down to any girlfriend of mine that her loser crush of the month is playing her... ONCE.....
...fuck, I might even tell her twice, just probably not as nice.
HOWEVER, three times of bitching about the same shit, with the same damn guy and you can add ME to the list of people who you're waiting to never return your fucking call.
My "Boo-Hoo List" is a short one, because frankly, if it's not a broken vibrator or an empty booze bottle, I could give a FUCK… Really.
There is one thing though, that twists my britches. Actually, fuck that, it makes me want to pull my hair back into a pony tail, flip the razor from my inside cheek to my front teeth and slice a hoe in the face…figuratively speaking, of course.
What could make me figuratively want to slash someone?
Don't make me fucking go there...
Well, If you know me, you know that I'm a proud friend, and a loyal friend. I stand up for my homegirls, and show them respect, but if you do the dummy move, be prepared to Sit on the Shit List.
Your status can go from 'My Main Bitch' to 'That Dumb Bitch' with a bat of the lash, the second you:
Play Yourself For A Dude Who's Playing YOU.
Yeah, I heard somebody wrote a book about this very problem but apparently the marketing asshole in charge 'Just Wasn't That In To It' because all I see lately is a bunch of lovely ladies who spread their legs for losers that lie to 'em….. talking' bout "Girl I looove youuuu" as they leave the house texting somebody else.
That was some serious alliteration in the house.
I'm not gonna sit here blaming it all on men, calling them a bunch of shiesty-ass motherfuckers, because really, it takes TWO to horizontal tango. Besides, holding dudes 100% responsible would be as useless as kicking your dog because he shit on the floor yesterday. He's already forgotten about that shit, and has NO IDEA why you're so pissed off.
He did what worked for him at the moment and that's that.
You have no idea you just shit on the fucking floor again... do you?!
You can't blame a floor lamp for just "standing around" anymore then you can blame a man for using his dick like a pussy divining rod. It's huMAN nature…. Shit, if Michael Jackson were here he'd tell you that... ....and if Whitney were here, why, she'd be smoking crack…
Enough digressing, it's time to expound.
We love men for being MEN. Don't we ladies?
We love them for being strong in lots of ways despite their dense emotional senses.
We love their man voices.
We love their man muscles.
We love their man hands.
We love their man eyebrows.
We love their man
PENISES.
In fact, we love these things so much, that many women are willing to make up a bunch of ridiculous fucking excuses as to WHY some of them treat us like shit.
My response?
CUT THAT SHIT OUT.
"Oh, he must not be calling me this week because he was just getting a pimple on his nose the last time I saw him and he's probably too self conscious to arrange a date…."
No bitch…. that was you.
"I'm pretty sure he said his sister had a middle name… that must be it on his phone caller ID…."
No bitch…. there's no such middle name as "Big Titties".
"It's okay, I'll have another birthday next year, I'm sure he won't forget it twice…"
Listen bitch, he just wished his dog a "Happy Birthday!" on Facebook yesterday…
Don't be a goddamn dummy.
Here, here, ladies!!
When a man wants you, you suddenly become a lion tamer beating his ass back with a bamboo chair.
Your phone is blowing up more then Uncly Jimmy in the John after a fucking beans and wieners BBQ.
The dude will buy you flowers AND a box of Super-Plus tampons with a shit eating grin on his face.
He will hold your purse at a football game.
Someone's getting pussy!! Right after her period is over of course...
Catch my driggity drift?
So like I said before, since men are so much more primal than women, it's not hard to figure out when they're interested in mating.. err, I mean YOU.... and when they're NOT.
I told you I'm a good friend right? And because that's true, I will nicely try and break it down to any girlfriend of mine that her loser crush of the month is playing her... ONCE.....
...fuck, I might even tell her twice, just probably not as nice.
HOWEVER, three times of bitching about the same shit, with the same damn guy and you can add ME to the list of people who you're waiting to never return your fucking call.
And yerrrr OUT!
Dag, I need a bullshit deflector like THAT!
( If you loved this blog then please go to http://www.facebook.com/pages/PaRANThood/169577299791284 and check out her page, she's got a fantastic blog herself )
Friday, April 20, 2012
5 Mistakes Newlyweds Make
OK so the wedding is done and over, you cried, you laughed and you probably puked from all the free alcohol at the reception. Now onto your lives together in blissful wedded matrimony. Here's a look at 5 common mistakes that newlyweds make and how to avoid them.
1. Wait..what? You don't want any crotch blossoms? http://www.holdinholden.blogspot.com/
- If I could stress this point all the way home I would. Make sure BEFORE you pick out that white dress and spend a gazillion dollars that you DON'T have that you both either want or don't want kids. You do not to find out the hard way that your partner doesn't want a dozen shit factories running around.
2. You slept with how many people???
- This is such a touchy subject with people that I advise to just stay away from it completely. If you are making the big step to be with each other for the rest of your lives then does it really matter that he gang banged 70% of the female population of his high school on prom night? Or that her nickname in school was loosie Lucy? If you must have this conversation with your husband or wife...well then I'd say you're fucked and you better lie.
3. Maxin' out his credit cards.
- Contrary to popular belief, once you get married your money is his and his money is yours. Yes, you may keep a little "stash" hidden away for a divor...erm I mean a rainy day but for the most part you will end up combing the majority of your incomes. Being on the same page as far as where the money is going i.e. bills, savings and extras, is a pretty important thing in my opinon and for some reason a lot of newlyweds don't have it.
4. Jealousy
- I know what you're thinking...Me? Jealous? Never...just shut the fuck up for a minute and listen to me. EVERYONE and I do mean EVERYONE (even your Granny) has a jealous streak in them. What might make you jealous, might not make the next person jealous but it is there. When you marry someone you expect them to take their vows seriously..to death do us part and all that shit..I think I kinda got off topic here..back to the point..I think it's okay to be a little jealous, to know that the person you married loves you to the point that they don't want anyone else lookin', it's where you draw the line that matters. When you're following him/her to see where they're going or looking through their phones then it's going to far. Point is keep your crazy in check or you'll be signing those divorce papers faster than Ke$ha can smear her face with glitter.
and last:
5. The dreaded 3 letter word: Mother-In-Law/a.k.a The Spawn of Satan
- This is very simple...Do not under any circumstances live in a 50 mile range of your MIL. They are noisy, annoying and generally evil. Think Nickelback, Hitler and Teletubbie all mixed into one person. Unless of course you're one of those lucky bastardos who have a wonderful MIL..in that case you can shut your damn mouth because all of us unlucky souls hate you.
1. Wait..what? You don't want any crotch blossoms? http://www.holdinholden.blogspot.com/
- If I could stress this point all the way home I would. Make sure BEFORE you pick out that white dress and spend a gazillion dollars that you DON'T have that you both either want or don't want kids. You do not to find out the hard way that your partner doesn't want a dozen shit factories running around.
2. You slept with how many people???
- This is such a touchy subject with people that I advise to just stay away from it completely. If you are making the big step to be with each other for the rest of your lives then does it really matter that he gang banged 70% of the female population of his high school on prom night? Or that her nickname in school was loosie Lucy? If you must have this conversation with your husband or wife...well then I'd say you're fucked and you better lie.
3. Maxin' out his credit cards.
- Contrary to popular belief, once you get married your money is his and his money is yours. Yes, you may keep a little "stash" hidden away for a divor...erm I mean a rainy day but for the most part you will end up combing the majority of your incomes. Being on the same page as far as where the money is going i.e. bills, savings and extras, is a pretty important thing in my opinon and for some reason a lot of newlyweds don't have it.
4. Jealousy
- I know what you're thinking...Me? Jealous? Never...just shut the fuck up for a minute and listen to me. EVERYONE and I do mean EVERYONE (even your Granny) has a jealous streak in them. What might make you jealous, might not make the next person jealous but it is there. When you marry someone you expect them to take their vows seriously..to death do us part and all that shit..I think I kinda got off topic here..back to the point..I think it's okay to be a little jealous, to know that the person you married loves you to the point that they don't want anyone else lookin', it's where you draw the line that matters. When you're following him/her to see where they're going or looking through their phones then it's going to far. Point is keep your crazy in check or you'll be signing those divorce papers faster than Ke$ha can smear her face with glitter.
and last:
5. The dreaded 3 letter word: Mother-In-Law/a.k.a The Spawn of Satan
- This is very simple...Do not under any circumstances live in a 50 mile range of your MIL. They are noisy, annoying and generally evil. Think Nickelback, Hitler and Teletubbie all mixed into one person. Unless of course you're one of those lucky bastardos who have a wonderful MIL..in that case you can shut your damn mouth because all of us unlucky souls hate you.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Disney Princess For A Day
Ariel- This bitch gave up her voice so she could have a pair of legs, If I could be Ariel for a day I would have told Prince Eric he could kiss my fucking fin tails and if he didn't like it I'd find a merman that did.
Snow White- Snow White was a naive little airhead..If I was her for a day I would have traveled to land of Oz and asked the Wizard for a fucking brain, because who really takes food from a stranger? Especially one who looked like that fugly old lady.
Jasmine- My oh my...If I was Jasmine for a day I would tell my father that first off I'm like 13 fucking years old there is no reason I need to get married at this age, AND when I do decide to marry it's going to be MY damn decision, also to teach me some responsibility maybe I should get a goddamn job instead of lounging around the Palace all damn day like a spoiled fucking brat.
Belle- One word sums it all up: Necrophilia
Cinderella- If I could have been the original Disney Princess for a day, I would have punched my step sisters in the throat when they tried to lock me my room and shoved my step mothers head in the toilet for good measure.
Sleeping Beauty: If I could have been Princess Aurora for one day I would have eaten a fucking breath mint before kissing the prince...I mean she has been asleep for a 100-fucking-years right???
Pocahontas- This is the only Disney Princess I don't take issue with, She was strong willed, stood up for what she thought was right, and wasn't fooled by the perfectly coiffed Disney Prince hair that all these stud muffins sport.
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