Friday, April 20, 2012

5 Mistakes Newlyweds Make

 OK so the wedding is done and over, you cried, you laughed and you probably puked from all the free alcohol at the reception. Now onto your lives together in blissful wedded matrimony. Here's a look at 5 common mistakes that newlyweds make and how to avoid them.

1. Wait..what? You don't want any crotch blossoms?

- If I could stress this point all the way home I would. Make sure BEFORE you pick out that white dress and spend a gazillion dollars that you DON'T have that you both either want or don't want kids. You do not to find out the hard way that your partner doesn't want a dozen shit factories running around.

2. You slept with how many people???

 - This is such a touchy subject with people that I advise to just stay away from it completely. If you are making the big step to be with each other for the rest of your lives then does it really matter that he gang banged 70% of the female population of his high school on prom night? Or that her nickname in school was loosie Lucy? If you must have this conversation with your husband or wife...well then I'd say you're fucked and you better lie.

3. Maxin' out his credit cards.

- Contrary to popular belief, once you get married your money is his and his money is yours. Yes, you may keep a little "stash" hidden away for a divor...erm I mean a rainy day but for the most part you will end up combing the majority of your incomes. Being on the same page as far as where the money is going i.e. bills, savings and extras, is a pretty important thing in my opinon and for some reason a lot of newlyweds don't have it.

4. Jealousy

 - I know what you're thinking...Me? Jealous? Never...just shut the fuck up for a minute and listen to me. EVERYONE and I do mean EVERYONE (even your Granny) has a jealous streak in them. What might make you jealous, might not make the next person jealous but it is there. When you marry someone you expect them to take their vows death do us part and all that shit..I think I kinda got off topic here..back to the point..I think it's okay to be a little jealous, to know that the person you married loves you to the point that they don't want anyone else lookin', it's where you draw the line that matters. When you're following him/her to see where they're going or looking through their phones then it's going to far. Point is keep your crazy in check or you'll be signing those divorce papers faster than Ke$ha can smear her face with glitter.
                                          and last:

5. The dreaded 3 letter word: Mother-In-Law/a.k.a The Spawn of Satan

 - This is very simple...Do not under any circumstances live in a 50 mile range of your MIL. They are noisy, annoying and generally evil. Think Nickelback, Hitler and Teletubbie all mixed into one person. Unless of course you're one of those lucky bastardos who have a wonderful that case you can shut your damn mouth because all of us unlucky souls hate you.