My "Boo-Hoo List" is a short one, because frankly, if it's not a broken vibrator or an empty booze bottle, I could give a FUCK… Really.
There is one thing though, that twists my britches. Actually, fuck that, it makes me want to pull my hair back into a pony tail, flip the razor from my inside cheek to my front teeth and slice a hoe in the face…figuratively speaking, of course.
What could make me figuratively want to slash someone?
Don't make me fucking go there...
Well, If you know me, you know that I'm a proud friend, and a loyal friend. I stand up for my homegirls, and show them respect, but if you do the dummy move, be prepared to Sit on the Shit List.
Your status can go from 'My Main Bitch' to 'That Dumb Bitch' with a bat of the lash, the second you:
Play Yourself For A Dude Who's Playing YOU.
Yeah, I heard somebody wrote a book about this very problem but apparently the marketing asshole in charge 'Just Wasn't That In To It' because all I see lately is a bunch of lovely ladies who spread their legs for losers that lie to 'em….. talking' bout "Girl I looove youuuu" as they leave the house texting somebody else.
That was some serious alliteration in the house.
I'm not gonna sit here blaming it all on men, calling them a bunch of shiesty-ass motherfuckers, because really, it takes TWO to horizontal tango. Besides, holding dudes 100% responsible would be as useless as kicking your dog because he shit on the floor yesterday. He's already forgotten about that shit, and has NO IDEA why you're so pissed off.
He did what worked for him at the moment and that's that.
You have no idea you just shit on the fucking floor again... do you?!
You can't blame a floor lamp for just "standing around" anymore then you can blame a man for using his dick like a pussy divining rod. It's huMAN nature…. Shit, if Michael Jackson were here he'd tell you that... ....and if Whitney were here, why, she'd be smoking crack…
Enough digressing, it's time to expound.
We love men for being MEN. Don't we ladies?
We love them for being strong in lots of ways despite their dense emotional senses.
We love their man voices.
We love their man muscles.
We love their man hands.
We love their man eyebrows.
We love their man
In fact, we love these things so much, that many women are willing to make up a bunch of ridiculous fucking excuses as to WHY some of them treat us like shit.
CUT THAT SHIT OUT.
"Oh, he must not be calling me this week because he was just getting a pimple on his nose the last time I saw him and he's probably too self conscious to arrange a date…."
No bitch…. that was you.
"I'm pretty sure he said his sister had a middle name… that must be it on his phone caller ID…."
No bitch…. there's no such middle name as "Big Titties".
"It's okay, I'll have another birthday next year, I'm sure he won't forget it twice…"
Listen bitch, he just wished his dog a "Happy Birthday!" on Facebook yesterday…
Don't be a goddamn dummy.
Here, here, ladies!!
When a man wants you, you suddenly become a lion tamer beating his ass back with a bamboo chair.
Your phone is blowing up more then Uncly Jimmy in the John after a fucking beans and wieners BBQ.
The dude will buy you flowers AND a box of Super-Plus tampons with a shit eating grin on his face.
He will hold your purse at a football game.
Someone's getting pussy!! Right after her period is over of course...
Catch my driggity drift?
So like I said before, since men are so much more primal than women, it's not hard to figure out when they're interested in mating.. err, I mean YOU.... and when they're NOT.
I told you I'm a good friend right? And because that's true, I will nicely try and break it down to any girlfriend of mine that her loser crush of the month is playing her... ONCE.....
...fuck, I might even tell her twice, just probably not as nice.
HOWEVER, three times of bitching about the same shit, with the same damn guy and you can add ME to the list of people who you're waiting to never return your fucking call.
And yerrrr OUT!
Dag, I need a bullshit deflector like THAT!
( If you loved this blog then please go to http://www.facebook.com/pages/PaRANThood/169577299791284 and check out her page, she's got a fantastic blog herself )